Thought for the Week Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT November 19, 2018 What is this book about without telling me the plot? Addicts must learn to live transparently. Keeping secrets from therapists, sponsors, recovery community members, and, especially, partners is a recipe for disaster. However, being transparent without boundaries can be equally problematic. Sharing your struggles with others in recovery without appropriate boundaries can be triggering to them. Sharing your challenges and realizations with your partner without appropriate boundaries can be traumatizing to your partner and potentially damaging to your relationship. “What is this book about without telling me the […]
Thought for the Week Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT November 12, 2018 Just because your partner is no longer raging, that does not mean you are done. Partners are often traumatized by sex addiction and this trauma sometimes comes out as anger or rage. Given this, it can be easy for sex addicts to judge their progress by their partner’s emotional state. This is a mistake. If your partner was angry and is no longer “raging,” this does not mean you are done. It simply means your partner is not raging. You may still have work to do regarding sobriety, […]
Thought for the Week Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT November 5, 2018 Maturity is being able to let go of outcomes. When we are young, we are extremely attached to specific outcomes. Children often break into tantrums or tears because they hold a strong desire for a specific outcome. It would be nice if this automatically changed with age. Unfortunately, age and maturity do not always go hand in hand and plenty of adults continue to have “tantrums.” With maturity, we accept that there are multiple possible outcomes. With maturity, we learn that what we want is not always best […]
Thought for the Week Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT October 29, 2018 Watch the feet not the lips. This is a phrase we use to help partners verify that a person is safe to trust. Addicts say all sorts of things and make lots of assurances. Sometimes this is done with the best of intentions. Sometimes this is done maliciously. In the end, the words mean very little. Positive actions make the difference and allow for trust to be rebuilt. You may talk good sobriety but consistently relapse. You may talk about recovery growth but be out of balance in […]
Thought for the Week Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT October 22, 2018 “It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson One of the basic tenets of 12-step programs is the giving of service. It is no accident that this is an important part of the program. When we give service to others, we also receive benefits. Whether this is taking a service position in a meeting, service as a sponsor, service in taking phone calls, service by providing support and guidance, or service by […]
Thought for the Week Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT October 15, 2018 “History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” –Maya Angelou The past can be painful. This pain may be connected to traumas we experienced in childhood or painful situations we caused or experienced in our adult lives. We cannot change the past. In recovery, we learn to look at our past, accept it, and move forward with courage so that we do not live it again. Courage in recovery takes many forms: rigorous honesty, acknowledging and admitting our […]
Thought for the Week Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT October 8, 2018 “Make sure the fortune that you seek is the fortune that you need.” –Ben Harper What we seek and what we need are often very different things for addicts. Sex addicts use sex to address non-sexual needs. Sex addicts use sex to create a sense of intimacy or connection, to manage stress, to resolve uncomfortable emotions, to express resentment, to feel reassurance after a conflict, or to boost their in self-esteem. The problem is that sex does not provide a meaningful or lasting fix for any of these […]
Thought for the Week Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT October 1, 2018 “I define infidelity as the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.” –Rob Weiss When does sexual behavior become infidelity? There are many ways to define infidelity and addicts in denial use them all. “It’s only porn, I didn’t have a relationship with someone else.” “I was only sexting and chatting, I don’t even know what they look like.” “It was only swapping pictures and video chatting, I didn’t actually have sex with them.” “Oral sex isn’t really sex.” “Wedding […]
Thought for the Week Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT September 24, 2018 “Carry in your memory, for the rest of your life, the good things that came out of those difficulties. They will serve as a proof of your abilities and will give you confidence when you are faced by other obstacles.” –Chico Xavier There are many difficulties in recovery and on the other side, we have a choice. We can focus on the pain and discomfort we experienced or we can focus on the good that came from those difficulties. Focusing on the pain and discomfort is easy. The […]
Thought for the Week Timothy D. Stein, MFT, CSAT September 17, 2018 “He uses common sense to judge not the intentions of an action but its consequence. He takes responsibility for everything he does, even if he has to pay a high price for his mistakes.” –Paulo Coelho In recovery, we aim for acceptance of others and responsibility for our actions. Acceptance of others’ intentions is an important gift for us to offer regardless of whether it is given to us in return. Doing our best to accept the intention of others is one way we slowly make amends for […]